Two-A-Day Tuesdays: ***Mallratting*** 132: "Terror Behind the Walls"

I'm scared

Ed. note: the concept of "Mallratting" will remain undefined for two reasons. First, we intend to reveal its meaning through a series of posts. Second, most of you are probably already familiar with it.

Finally, so that we are totally on the same page, with the exception of a few obvious, necessary details, this is a "Mallrat", introductory level.

The Publications Office headquarters is in Fairmount, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Also situated in Fairmount is the Eastern State Penitentiary, which this time every year is turned into "Terror Behind the Walls" (TBTW), "the nation's 6th best haunted house" according to AOL city guide. Though we all know how scary ghosts are, we at T.P.O. find they can be extremely hilarious as well. (Especially conceptualizing in terms of "ghost." E.g. owning a new Lexus LS = "ghost" parallel parking)
So we could not wait to experience a great haunted house, sure to have some great ghosts, in our backyard and bring strong coverage of TBTW to our thousands of readers. However, we got a little more than we bargained for.

Warning: Some of the following images are pretty graphic, and should never be read to or by any Philadelphia children.

It wasn't too scary early in the tour, though I was glad that TBTW decided to get the whole "prison rape/sodomy thing" out of the way. Also, the tour explained a recent mystery nagging Eagles fans, as there was a room in which Donovan McNabb was completing passes to ghosts. There was the choir of hot zombie sirens, zombie inmates with bad pre-diarrhea gas, female security guards with warts for faces, Wilson Goode lighting Bon Jovi and then himself on fire, everything you'd expect at a Philly haunted house. There were lots of ghosts, too. Some of them were kind enough to tell us about a great new exercise program, "ghost" treadmill running, that was really, really low impact. So far, so great, just the right amount of scary.

However, TBTW's newest attraction, "Night Watch", crossed the line. The idea is you're a prison guard and you have the night watch. You have to walk the prison and make sure everything's in order. But the halls are completely dark, so you use a flashlight to find your way and do your job. Walking down Cellblock A, everything was quiet, then i shined my flashlight on cell 320, and a zombie inmate was eating Glen "Hurricane" Schwartz's brains. Further down the hall at cell 333 a ghost was watching CSI: Miami. (CBS, "ghost" boosting ratings?) I freaked out and ran to the next block. Everything was real scary. I bumped into mechanical rats and witnessed some strange vampire activity between Kevin Bacon and Kelly Ripa. First, they would suck each other's blood, then they would throw it up on each other. Doubtless, though, the worst scare was saved for the end of the tour, where, in Cellblock C, in the last room, #29, I saw Mitch Williams having a catch with Ryan Madson.

***T.P.O. wishes you and your ghosts a Happy Halloween!***