Wensdee By The Wooderfrunt

In reality, I think the water might actually have more of a brownish hue, but you get the idea...

As you may already know, for years now mutliple plans to develop the Philadelphia waterfront (ie, the Delaware River along Columbus Blvd.) have fallen short or been derailed in some way or another. Recently, yet another forum (PW) was held to discuss the latest round of possibilities. T.P.O. went to this meeting to get the scoop, so now I'm going to share with you some of the exciting ideas proposed for the Philadelphia Waterfront that are yet to be reported by the mainstream media. Check it out:

-The bar-hopping zip-line. It stretches from Club Risque all the way to Rock Lobster and allows you to go from bar-to-bar via zip lines that are accessible from each venue's 2nd floor. According to one advocate, "It would be perfect for those who like to watch people dance and then dance a bit themselves."
-But where will the money come from? Reserve funds contributed by The Pennsylvania Riverfront Dock Union of Cherry Hill Residents Working In Philadelphia.

-Philadelphia's Camden-Hologram Initiative (PCHI). Spend half the budget evacuating and demolishing Camden (reconstruction plans pending additional funding). Spend the other half of the budget building a complex giant hologram that, when viewed from the Philly side of the Delaware, makes Camden's skyline look majestic, grandiose, and not sponsored by Campbell's or Tweeter.
-But where will the money come from? Red light cameras will be installed along Columbus Blvd. 90% of the proceeds from ticketed offenders will go toward the PCHI, while 10% will be set aside to buy more of those cameras that the news stations put in Camden to use for wide shots of the Philly skyline.

-The "Tragedies of The Delaware: Museum and Amusement Park!" See the blueprints for alternate plans of 95 and 676, go on the Crazy Collapsing Deck ride, and learn about notable Philadelphians (from the colonists to the Victorians) who helped develop a prosperous waterfront that was ironcially ruined by the exact modernity it sought to foster. Fun for all ages.
-But where will the money come from? $27 admission for adults, $26.25 admission for students and seniors, $25.50 admission for children under 8.

Local Rumors Clearinghouse!

You Might Have Heard: Man Man found time earlier this month to lay down 4 new tracks with crossover juggernaut Danger Mouse.

And?
Indeed, pending sample clearance from Cyndi Lauper's camp, expect these propulsive, sparkling pop nuggets to see the light of day by Spring 2007.

You Might Have Heard: That blonde girl who falls down has a boyfriend.

And?
The 700 Club's most sighed-over debutante was sighted just last Thursday dining intimately at Buddakan with the heavily tattooed Joshua "Grabs" Grabowski of Northern Liberties.

You Might Have Heard: Sean Agnew accepted an option on materials in lieu of the Clipse's cancellation retainer.

And?
Order a Red-Top Mocha at the Last Drop. Best $20 I've ever spent.

You Might Have Heard: Andre Iguodala is a pedophile.

And?
Unconfirmed. Although Iguodala is renowned for his poor decisions, there is no evidence that he has done anything more illegal than three steps while kicking the ball out of bounds.

You Might Have Heard:
Kildare's Authentic Pubs, Inc. is snooping around Fishtown, and may be looking to branch out into the bohemian community.

And?
Brad Breastman, speaking on behalf of the Acquisitions branch of the beverage retail giant, tells me that negotiations are in progress on a site within a block of Frankford and Girard. Fishtown should be ready for an influx of SJU swagger no later than Winter 2008.

Finally, You Might Have Heard:
Temple University recently moved up to #49 on Consumer Reports' national top 100 academic universities.

And?
Naaaaaaaaaah.

Oyame Chico!

Tonight in Philadelphia: WWE Survivor Series. To commemorate enjoy some YouTube.

Two-A-Day Tuesdays: 76 Things Philadelphians Can Be Thankful For

Fuck You

76. Eddie Turner
75. The 76ers
74. The Northeast
73. Duck Tours
72. Penn's Landing
71. Ben Franklin Impersonators
70. Ed Rendell
69 (tie). Kildare's
69. Tiki Bob's
67. Lack of Crime
66. Cecily Tynan

65. Espers
64. Cacia's Bakery
63. Citypaper
62. The Khyber
61. The Kimmel Center
60. Repo Records
59. Frank Rizzo's Ghost
58. Tony Luke's
57. New Deck Tavern Quiz-o
56. Crazy Carl
55. Independence Mall
54. South St. Maoz
53. Independence Hall
52. The Ritz East
51. The Shore
50. Atlantic City
49. The Mixtape Guy (though we haven't seen him in a couple of months. Anybody have a tip?)
48. Pitchfork Media
47. Pat's King Of Steaks
46. Gino's
45. Fishtown
44. The TLA
43. Benjamin Lovell Shoes
42. The Troc
41. The Vietnamese market in S. Philly
40. Ryan Howard MVP
39. Chase Utley
38. A lot of golf courses
37. Tony Luke's
36. 30th St. Station
35. Philadelphia Weekly
34. The Barnes Foundation
33. DJ Touchtone The World's #1 Blind DJ
32. The Franklin Institute
31. Allen Iverson
30. The Please Touch Museum
29. Betsy Ross' House
28. The Comcast Tower
27. Philebrity
26. Northern Liberties
25. Sorted Party
24. Johnny Brenda's
23. Fairmount
22. South St.
21. Click
20. R5 Productions
19. Sean Agnew
18. The Last Drop
17. Sarcone's Bread
16. The Philadelphia Museum of Art
15. Wawa
14. Glen "Hurricane" Schwartz

13. Downtown
12. "Haaaaannh?"
11. John's Roast Pork
10. The Phillies, except "The Bat"
9. Man Man
8. Boxing
7. Making Time and Crew
6. The Chinatown Express
5. Two Diesel Stores
4. D'alissandro's
3. Torn ACLs
2. The Liberty Bell


1. The "L" or is it "El"?

Dancing With The Stars In A Figure 8

Separated at birth?: Emmitt & Elliott

October 22nd marked the third anniversary of Elliott Smith's death. That's real sad. So to cheer you up, I'm going to fill you in on how the remaining Smiths are moving on with their lives and not letting one little incident slow them down.

Emmitt Smith: Just won ABC's hit reality show contest "Dancing With The Stars."
Anna Nicole Smith: Had a baby, married her lawyer (true, her other kid just died, but we're focusing on the positive here).
Kerr Smith: Enjoying the fact that shitty FOX drama "Justice" has still not been canceled.
Kevin Smith: Celebrating the release of "Clerks II" on DVD.
The Smiths: Johnny Marr joined a new band. They're called Modest Mouse.
Will Smith: Went to Rome this past weekend for TomKat's wedding.

There you have it. Smiths are doing quite well. Until next year, keep that chin up!

Track Review: Yung Artist - Twistin' Twizzlers (four stars)

"When he says "fuck," the f is a whistling teakettle: the 'u' is a foghorn moan, and the 'ck' is a car door slamming on your ear. When he calls you a fucking heathen, you feel like a fucking heathen."
-Tom Breihan

Yung Artist is a slippery wordplay wrangler out of Greenville with a hypnotic rasp that stomps with brutal authority. Like a steadfast barrage of exploding, knowing cackles, Yung fires off broadside salvos of charged stream-of-consciousness string theory bastinadoes that twine around your ankles, trip you to the floor and cover your mouth with both hands.

"young and tested, weapons are the best, kid
both my techs sick, lookin for the next bitch"

But here's the thing about Yung Artist: he doesn't give a fuck what you think. I picture Artist, jacked on yay, counting off beats in his head, beaten down by the crushing realities of the streets that are never as nice as they seem, full as they are with big bad men who hit hard and never think twice before they pop one at whoever think they got shit. We know that life is like that: if you want to survive, you'd better be able to gobble down they frontin and belch up husky growled battle shouts haunted by the same weary realities I see every day when I wake up in Baltimore. Check Yung's officious declaration:

"got it like me never, snitches get severed
keep it like a reverend, bitches got 'em better"

When this man says "bitch," "bit" is pronounced as in "that nigga pit bull just BIT the shit out of that nigga leg" and CH sounds exactly like a bulldog snorting for breath when it is over 100 degrees outside.

Yung Artist will be spotted rocking polka dots straight at the top, strangling out great winding anacondas of devastating sharp-tongued flows that flicker through the alleys of human individuality and incite us to do grand things. He is built to last, like hard gravel in the asphalt streets. His lordotic posturing will keep him standing tall at the top for a long time comin. And really, what else is there to life, other than getting fly as fuck?

Two-A-Day Tuesdays: You're Driving Me Crazy, Carl

First this:


Now this:
http://riffmarket.blogspot.com/2006/11/crazy-carl-weekend-adventure.html

And you can't write one post for me. OK Motherfucker, you asked for it:

***Mallratting*** Thesis: Meta-Mallratting

***Mallratting*** 210: Crazy Carl Mallrats Berlin

"...I really thought Berlin a Utopia."

"Listen, I don't know what you're talking about. I've been to Berlin. No plaid button-downs. No Yuengling or Jack Daniels. No E-A-G-L-E-S. No sun. No beaches. No cars. No Quiz-O. No Main St. Manayunk Munchies. No Main St. Manayunk. No bars, fuck lounges. No Jethro Tull, Rock & Roll. No Jerky Boys tapes. No Mexicans. No construction workers. No plaid button-downs. No jokes. Plenty of Art. I'm sorry, you pretentious fuck, but Berlin sucked."

My Hustle

Some interesting things I heard/discovered this past weekend:

• "The Khyber, the Church, TLA, and now here (Electric Factory)... you've been great to us, Philly. For a long time. Thank you. We love you." -- Kevin Drew, lead singer, Broken Social Scene
  Take that to heart, Pitchfork


• "We're playing one more. Why the other band members are leaving the stage, I don't know. I guess that's why this band is going to take a 'break'." -- more Kevin Drew
  Lil suntin for the Internet


• "You've got two putts to win this hole. Now just give it the old Tel Aviv tap." -- A really nice and funny Jewish man I caddied for on Friday
  It was a two foot putt. The guy putting left it a foot short.


• "Ballin" -- Mike "Cheezy" Cook on throwing something in my trash can
  Apathetically uttered.


• "I want people to be able to wear these clothes out to work, then maybe to a lounge." -- Donovan McNabb on Super 5, his new clothing line
  
  
  Exempla Biz-Cut (Ron Tarver, Inquirer)
  
  Work: Overpaid/rated jock. Lounge: Red Sky (Seriously, McNabb has been sighted there.)


• The Presets - I Go Hard, I Go Home (The Juan Maclean Remix)
  Very geeked out sequence on this one, very funky. Best thing The Presets remix orgy will have birthed.


• "76 West. Get off at Roosevelt Blvd. Get off Roosevelt at Germantown. Turn left from off ramp. At the third light turn left. There'll be a gas station there. That's Germantown Ave." -- Some cute girl, who claimed Philadelphian origin, giving me directions to LINCOLN DRIVE
  Me: "Three lights? You're sure?"


• The Skateboarding Bulldog

Blessynce

Quintessential killer kick

This story was shared with me by a Health and Safety Educator at St. Vincent DePaul church in the Germantown section of Philadelphia.

She was leading a lesson on Fire Saftey to a group of children aged 6-11 years old. "Now, imagine you are sound, sound asleep in the middle of the night. You hear a loud alarm going off. It's the sound of the fire alarm! What should you do next?"

Blessynce, aged 8 waves her hand and matter-of-factly replies, "You kick it down off the wall and 'den you kick it until you kill it."

Safe to say this was an empirically-derived answer? Think-a so.

I Need Your Digital Camera

See what I mean?
Photo by Maria Tessa Sciarrino

Making Time
Pure
11/3/06

There's so much that I could say about this Making Time. I could talk for length about how Dave P blew the roof off the motherfucker with Sebastien Leger's "Klaxon", how terribly pedestrian Hot Chip continued to be, and how Justice needed to realize that it's not 1995. I could write a seperate piece about Digitalism being the world's biggest assholes, first backing out of their live set, because apparently their manager thought the venue wasn't big enough, then spinning two of their own songs during their DJ set (that's right, but it was a big enough stage for them to DJ), which I equate to the spitting in the face of the entire audience. But this night was totally defined by The Rapture.

The Rapture's Set:

1. Heaven
2. Get Myself Into It
3. Sister Savior
4. The Devil
5. Out Of The Races And Onto The Tracks
6. W.A.Y.U.H.
7. I Need Your Love
8. The Killing
9. HOJL
10. The Coming Of Spring
11. Echoes
12. Pieces Of The People We Love
13. Olio
14. The Sound

Fucking epic, one nonstop highlight. All meticulously segued, all perfectly executed. Some songs were cut down, others jammed out. The sound was nailed too, each instrument totally in sync with the others. But what put the set over the top was the occasion-- The Rapture and Making Time were simply made for each other.

As I said before The Rapture's music, if confronted defenselessly, honestly, unleashes our innermost geek. It was nice to be surrounded by about 200 fellow nerds that didn't give a shit on Pure's main floor. 200 fellow people that shouted every lyric as loud as possible. Luke: 1... Crowd: 2,3,4,5,6,7, I'm floating in a constant heaven. Honest, it happened instantly, all it took was that "1" word from Luke, and it exploded. The room came alive, yelling, throbbing, beating. Everyone was dancing real hard. Guards were let down, individuals were lost in a whole, frustrations were released.

The Rapture sustained this atmosphere for nearly an hour and a half, and I have to think, despite this being the worst possible cliche, that the Making Time crowd impelled them to do so. I have to think had euphoria not seized Pure, the set would have went in a more subdued direction, like "Love Is All" or "Live In Sunshine". And while they are two of my favorite Rapture songs, they had no chance to be included in this set. There was too much energy in the room. It would've been an injustice. Props to The Rapture for realizing this and more so for being able to satiate the crowd. I don't know if any other band, LCD SS included, could've done it.

This crowd, this night could be summed up by "Echoes", by "The city breathing / the people churning... Life makes echoes / if you see them." The Rapture created an echo at Making Time and a bunch of strangers "came together" and saw it. This was the best show of the year, the best time of the year. I have to say it, if you weren't at this one, you really fucked up.

Election Special Polemic!

Rendell for Prez 2012?

This nation's servile, strident, turgid serfs
Shout sick, serpentine shit they learned at Church
Through every speaker stacked atop each screen
They spin strong shag, they sell off every skein
And each illiterate who buys their yarn
Sits praying for good men come to harm.

They shoot at those who trespass their vast yards
Or use slick tricks to slip barbs past their guards
Reminding them that that which they'd ignore
Isn't so insubstantial anymore.

And rapt expressions dominate the face
Of every seeker taken with the Grace
And countenancing every sordid word
Of each insipid jingoist Christian blurb
Commander in Chief straight down to Glenn Beck
They defend that incendiary dreck.

But this one day, we shuddered off our sloth
And drowned you truffle-stuffed pigs in a trough
Ignoring your distorted, awful squeals
Your pawing as you're chopped off at the heels
And all the salty gristle we dry out
We'll sell back to the faithful old Dry South
And make them eat it nightly for a year
While wondering when their Savior might get here.

And all their little children might be taught
That life sucks when you lie and you get caught.
And watch their parents spared not a tall rod
For shrieking so to scare us all to God.

***Check out Philebrity's comprehensive campaign coverage.***

Two-a-Day Tuesdays: I Thought I Was Going To Broken Social Scene

The Decemberists
Electric Factory
11/1/06

I walked into this place really cold on these guys. I hadn't even meant to be there. My old roommate called and asked if I wanted to go to "the show," at the Factory, and I told him hell yeah. I couldn't believe I had forgotten to get Broken Social Scene tickets, actually. As soon as I saw the marquee, I thought I'd really fucked up.

See, Picaresque had let me down badly. It had nothing close to the lyrical intricacy of the best stretches of Castaways and Her Majesty, and it was short on the austere, evocative work of theirs that I admired most. The verandas and petticoats, gadabouts and whirligigs, vagabonds and dulcimers were starting to sound worn through. I was sure that Meloy had thrown out his arm. It worried me even more that no one else seemed to agree. I still don't see how you could hold up "The Sporting Life" against "Grace Cathedral Hill," and I am almost glad I forget who was trying to pull that shit on me.

I hadn't even gotten around to The Crane Wife before the show. For all I knew, it could've been full of sea shanties about Rabelais and pegasi, with an epic digression about scullery maids played on three plucky xylophones. I'd heard nothing but good things, though, and I was getting psyched in spite of myself. This has been one of my favorite bands for years. The dude was going to get a fair chance. They started right off with "Crane Wife Part 2", hooked me within the first ten seconds, and the healing process was in full swing.

The live act is somewhat too self-conscious and seamy to wrap up a crowd from song to song, but that may just be the nature of era-hopping vignettes with heavy conceits, I guess. Most of the crowd talked over each lull. That may be less the Decemberists' fault than it is Fishtown's. They left some really fantastic songs unplayed, hammed up a few clunkers from fucking Picaresque, but they also got in some Castaways and Her Majesty. The Crane Wife material sounded in parts as good as anything they've ever done, and reinforced my opinion that Meloy is at his best when he is plaintive and restrained. Obviously there's a considerable hot-looking, nattily dressed market for the twee bombast, but those people don't need any more attention.

***Mallratting*** 181.02: Tiki Bob's

"Fuck Yeah!"

Yo Jake, remember that time we went to Tiki Bob's? That night you saw both Lindsays there and all that... yeah, right... yeah I know. That bouncer was like "nice hair, faggots." As soon as we walked in there's some dude in an Archbishop Ryan sweatshirt rapping along to "Lose Yourself" with his hand up that girl's skirt. Fucking rad. Then we were trying to get a drink but all these little Italian guys kept holding hands and pulling each other forward to cut in line. Some fat girl from New Jersey was all tryin to dance on me, man I must have worn way too tight a shirt.

Fuckin man, remember they had like $3.50 Yuengling bottles and the dudes were all getting four of them and being like "That's right! Philly born and bred, baby!" and the DJ was scratching on that Jay-Z / Linkin Park shit, yeah. And we saw three dudes in Navy uniforms trying to pick up some girls who were obviously with those three black dudes who were in the bathroom doing lines, yeah fuck, when they came back... that one kid got his face all jacked up, right?

Anyway man what were we there, like an hour, waiting for Jordan to come out and you tried to request Amerie but he put on Mary J. Blige, and you made such a fucking big deal, you remember that? Remember when the bouncer came over and said "What's this homo doing?", then how those kids with the spiked hair started talking shit to the black bouncer and one of their girlfriends got punched by accident, oh shit. We had to get the fuck out, we like were looking for a cab and these 10 frat dudes were slamming their girlfriends' heads against the wall so we went over to Finnegan's Wake, and, yeah, fuck, I know. That was the worst."

This Is My The Rapture Post

I did not at all like The Rapture's new record, Pieces of the People We Love, on first listen. The record was not another Echoes and yes that did upset me. Now, on the eve of The Rapture's Making Time appearance, after a long period of time has elapsed, I have confronted Pieces as objectively as I could, and do conclude that my first opinions on the record were disgusting, and that over all the record is pretty good.

However, I do want to stick to a few of my original guns. First, there is not one moment on Pieces that equals or surpasses any of the moments on Echoes. I also think that Echoes was a truly great record, with a truly great, original moment. I think it 100% to say that nobody saw "House of Jealous Lovers" coming. I think it also completely safe to say that song had a major impact on music. Riffs once said, "HOJL made it alright for the indie kids to dance." But I think it did much more than that. I think it made it alright for people to ENTIRELY lose their shit. The song honestly broke barriers, maybe the most impervious kind, the ones that we set up to conceal the geek inside of all us. The song made it alright to geek out. Four years later, there are still no challengers to "HOJL's" throne.

Pieces does not have a moment that will change music. It is however a very well done amalgamation of genre: synth pop, new wave, post punk, disco, rock ballad. One thing that will forever bother me though: it seems to me that the record's producers, Dangermouse and Phones, cheapened some of the band's material in order to leave their imprint on the record. The last twenty seconds of "W.A.Y.U.H." the producers dick around and almost ruin the entire track. There are also too many acid house synths running through the record, check especially "First Gear." Shit guys, some of these songs want to punk rock, okay? Not to say that some of the blame might also be placed on The Rapture. Whoever was responsible for the idea of the female backing vocals on "First Gear" and "W.A.Y.U.H." fucked up. The argument is that The Go! Team sucks. Plain and simple, cheerleaders suck.

I understand that it is hard, and in most cases unlikely that artists can produce more than one masterwork in their careers, but somehow the great ones manage it. The Rapture aren't there yet, but they are young and have plenty of records in front of them. In my opinion Pieces is not a great record. However, it is a fun, in no way devastating, as I had first thought, addition to The Rapture's catalogue. I can't wait to hear how it will sound live.

I Didn't Mean To Do You Like That, Baby

Editor's Note

Yesterday I was in a little bit of a hurry. As my "seasonal" job is coming to an end, I need to be on the grind early. But damned if I wasn't going to give our devoted tens of thousands of readers their "Two-A-Day Tuesdays." So I published the "Clive Owen Went As James Bond for Halloween" post without proofreading it. When I awoke this morning, and had a chance to re-read the post I saw that I used the word "really" about 30 times. Funny how the mind works. I really only wanted to use "really" a couple of times, once for the Ada single, once for Inside Man. But I guess in dealing with things that you really like, especially if they are few, you can really forget yourself. It's like you copy the word "really", putting it on your brain's clipboard, and then start pasting it all over the place. Anyways, I'm really sorry about the Freudian overuse of "really" yesterday, and want to alert you, our beautiful readers, that the writing of "Clive Owen" has been polished, and you should really check it out again. We at T.P.O. mean to give you only the best in Philadelphian writing, and are willing to admit our mistakes to do it. And no, this was not an elaborate machination to get a post up on a day other than Tuesday. Really.

Sincerely,
JS
T.P.O. Editor