Two-A-Day Tuesdays: ***Mallratting*** 132: "Terror Behind the Walls"

I'm scared

Ed. note: the concept of "Mallratting" will remain undefined for two reasons. First, we intend to reveal its meaning through a series of posts. Second, most of you are probably already familiar with it.

Finally, so that we are totally on the same page, with the exception of a few obvious, necessary details, this is a "Mallrat", introductory level.

The Publications Office headquarters is in Fairmount, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Also situated in Fairmount is the Eastern State Penitentiary, which this time every year is turned into "Terror Behind the Walls" (TBTW), "the nation's 6th best haunted house" according to AOL city guide. Though we all know how scary ghosts are, we at T.P.O. find they can be extremely hilarious as well. (Especially conceptualizing in terms of "ghost." E.g. owning a new Lexus LS = "ghost" parallel parking)
So we could not wait to experience a great haunted house, sure to have some great ghosts, in our backyard and bring strong coverage of TBTW to our thousands of readers. However, we got a little more than we bargained for.

Warning: Some of the following images are pretty graphic, and should never be read to or by any Philadelphia children.

It wasn't too scary early in the tour, though I was glad that TBTW decided to get the whole "prison rape/sodomy thing" out of the way. Also, the tour explained a recent mystery nagging Eagles fans, as there was a room in which Donovan McNabb was completing passes to ghosts. There was the choir of hot zombie sirens, zombie inmates with bad pre-diarrhea gas, female security guards with warts for faces, Wilson Goode lighting Bon Jovi and then himself on fire, everything you'd expect at a Philly haunted house. There were lots of ghosts, too. Some of them were kind enough to tell us about a great new exercise program, "ghost" treadmill running, that was really, really low impact. So far, so great, just the right amount of scary.

However, TBTW's newest attraction, "Night Watch", crossed the line. The idea is you're a prison guard and you have the night watch. You have to walk the prison and make sure everything's in order. But the halls are completely dark, so you use a flashlight to find your way and do your job. Walking down Cellblock A, everything was quiet, then i shined my flashlight on cell 320, and a zombie inmate was eating Glen "Hurricane" Schwartz's brains. Further down the hall at cell 333 a ghost was watching CSI: Miami. (CBS, "ghost" boosting ratings?) I freaked out and ran to the next block. Everything was real scary. I bumped into mechanical rats and witnessed some strange vampire activity between Kevin Bacon and Kelly Ripa. First, they would suck each other's blood, then they would throw it up on each other. Doubtless, though, the worst scare was saved for the end of the tour, where, in Cellblock C, in the last room, #29, I saw Mitch Williams having a catch with Ryan Madson.

***T.P.O. wishes you and your ghosts a Happy Halloween!***

Clive Owen Went as James Bond for Halloween

"Haaanh?"

I had to take care of some real furtive shit this weekend, so there was no way that I was getting in any cuts. Once I tied up those loose ends, I had some time to relax, and came across a couple things worth talking about.

First, is the new Ada single, Call the Tune. A-side "Call the Tune" is on some real sinister shit. A deep, sharp analog line dominates in the early going. However, at about the halfway mark a pretty synth cord, I mean Superpitcher type shit, is thrown into the mix, and it holds us until the outro, which is again dominated by the analog. Though obliquely, the track speaks to that whole "beauty out of ugliness" motif that somehow seems to recur in most good, current instrumental music. The flip, "Live It Up" is straight pretty, a lot of breeze and water efx, strings, and alto sounds, close to Lawrence, just a little more up tempo, especially when she kicks in that S.pitcher 2x hi-hat towards the end. The cut is so smooth that I really think, this being maybe the only time I'll ever say this about a tech-house jawn, that the inclusion of some vocals, perhaps only a few of bars of crooning, would have put this one over the top.

Second is the movie Inside Man. It is the third really good movie I've seen this year, along with Syriana (I know it was released late last year. Cut me some slack.) and, of course, Little Miss Sunshine. There's no way I would have watched Inside Man had I been going into da cut. If I were not in this completely relaxed, completely bored state of mind, on a Saturday night, I would not have stumbled upon it going through On Demand. I don't remember strong marketing for the film and I did not hear any strong reviews or recommendations for it. I was interested in it because I figured, "Hey, it's Clive Owen." Then I find out it's a Spike Lee joint. Having seen all of He Got Game, I thought, "Yeah, that was okay." So I was livening up to the movie, and the next two hours turned out to be quite a fun time.

First, let me start off by saying Inside Man was in no way meant to be a glorification of a slick, fast-talking Afro-American cop. It was a Spike Lee movie not about Denzel Washington. This movie was about a modern-day Robin Hood, Owen's character, which he was so effortless at. It was about a "regular" guy, who had honed some extraordinary skills, who was educated, who was honorable, who took down an evil capitalist. Appropriately enough, though I can't believe that much wasn't made about this, this movie was written by an African-American. It therefore was about racelessness, a black writer with a white hero. It was about responsibly educating our youth (there's a scene where Clive Owen rebukes a child for playing a game called "Kill that Nigga", also raceless.) It was about "Money Isn't Everything." It was about the middle class helping the lower class score a blow against the seemingly untouchable elite, something which is desperately needed in our society. There were some pretty funny jokes in it too.

Check out Call the Tune and Inside Man if you get a chance. They might surprise you like they did me and make your day or weekend.

Two-A-Day Tuesdays: 3 Other Ways To Get The Juan To Punch You

Best arm-fold ever?

First of all, we love the Juan Maclean. Second, we now love him even more for being a sensitive badass (just like Tupac was back in the day). The word on the street is that the Juan recently got into a brawl with a heckling fan because that fan wrongly messed with some stage gear when, in fact, that gear was not the fan's to mess with. You can read more about it HERE if you'd like. Anyway, this got me thinking... besides the most obvious method of stage-gear-messin', how else could one get the Juan to punch one's face if one found themself in his audience? Well, you could try shouting:

NUMBER 3
"Live drummers are for overcompensating bald men!"#

NUMBER 2
"Where's your robot suit, monsieur?"##

NUMBER 1
"Your alias is not at all difficult to decipher!"###

# T.P.O. does not endorse this stereotype, but does feel that its expression could warrant a punch if the timing was right and there happened to be a lot of insecure bald men in close proximity.
## Contrary to the popular misconception, T.P.O. holds the general belief that man vs. machine themes have appeared in art prior to Daft Punk's "Human After All."
### It's obviously a Bruce Willis/Die Hard reference, right?

PS: A slightly more comprehensive version of the actual brawl.

I Love Optimo. Is It All Over My Face?

Optimo
The Paradise @ Key West
10/19/06

First things first, sorry for some misinfo-- there was a change in venue that we only found out about a couple of nights before the show. But Paradise @ Key West was definitely the right place for Optimo. The walls of the dance floor are covered in mirrors. They used a lot of strobe light. You get the idea, if not, it was like a funhouse. And props to the club, which is usually 100% gay, welcoming straight people in its doors. And props to the straight people for going.

As for Optimo, I think they put forth the best DJ sets for a couple of reasons:
1. They simply have the most diverse, most obscure, consequently the best, taste in dance music.
2. They structure their sets better than any other DJs.

1. The mixing was pretty heavy, so it was hard to discern what exactly they were playing, but there was definitely some Tropicalia. Wilkes included in his set, get ready, what sounded like an Aaliyah cut, again apologies, I being too fucked to recognize which, but at the very least it was an old, dirty Timbo beat with female vocals (so not "Promiscuous Girl"). He then played Loose Joints' "Is It All Over My Face?". Nobody in Philly plays that song. I love that song. Twitch held his own playing the Lindstrom remix of "Tribulations", which I still think is Lindie's best remix-- it always seemed to me to rock (Good) a little more than it rolled (Not so good), due to its in-your-face bass line. Twitch also dropped the new Soulwax "Ravelight" dub mix of Robbie Williams' "Lovelight", one of the few tracks that "Nuts!" accurately describes.

2. Optimo knew that they had a tough task at the Paradise-- a Thursday night crowd, some of whom needed to wake up at 8 in the morning and go to work. People couldn't be swinging from speakers like they were when Optimo played the Khyber on a Saturday night in Feb. The first half hour of the set went from upbeat to downtempo, i.e. the Timbo beat. Optimo were forcing us to take a breather. Then Loose Joints came on and the crowd started perking up again, and they perked for a long time, until about 20 minutes before closing, when Twitch put "Lovelight" on and Al Qaeda-ed the place. But they left time for a cool down, some crate-dug rock and The Cure. They satisfied the crowd's need to rave, then restored them to balance and the realization that it might be to their (OK my) benefit to stop the reveling sometime and go to work. Summed up: Thursday night moderatio, the graph of sine.

Ways People Have Recently Introduced Themselves to Me

ed. note: this post is by Biss, who is prevented from posting by technical difficulties.



Sweating and large, 40 minutes late for rehearsal, clutching a bag of loose grocery rolls. "I need all this starch if I'm going to hit the high notes."
Maestro, "Let's take it from 2 bars before."

His two chins, "I could use two bars." Offers rolls around while sopranos and altos chime in.

Meastro, "From measure Aa."

--"See?! Oh, there I thought batteries."

****

When you read this sentence say it out loud to someone today, in terrifying seriousness.
"I'm going to put so much coke up your nose."

Mace was placed on a shopping list the next day.


********

Some Shawarma stand. Oasis.
"Oh so nice to see you again!" Clutches hands.
"Oh no, you're not gonna get me like that. I just moved here; this is my first time here... ever."

(filler)

"Oh, you are from Philadelphia? I have my brother over there. He always say come, be with me here. He very rich man. He owns the store Wawa."


****
Climbing the 12 story fire escape to the roof of home, a 1919-established belt factory, a woman with a bleached crew cut burst out of the Newport smoke to screech (at me?)
"There are cameras up there. I'm not telling you not to go up to the roof because I don't want you to go to the roof, I am telling you because there are cameras there and some people have recently gotten evictions. So just, no. There are cameras."

My legs felt wobbly all night after that, so I was either totally out of shape, or she was a ghost.
*****

Homeless man in Valley Green. "Yo, there gonna be a Halloween party here?"

Two-A-Day Tuesdays: If James Murphy Likes Running So Much, Why Didn't I See Him On My Breast Cancer Awareness Run?

Pictured T.P.O. (Behind #22); Not Pictured: James Murphy

Kidding aside, another great JM release. The guy simply doesn't shoot blanks. Detailed, complex, yet fun, it seems to us at T.P.O. that 45:33 could be used for a number of activites besides running. Here's a Top 5.

5. Cooking

4. Dancing

3. Taking an epic shit

2. Fucking

1. Walking Butts, the Staff dog




Some further reading.

T.P.O. In Da Cut #1: 10/13- 10/15

We On Fire

Click @ Fluid is without doubt one of the best times in the city. Fluid is the right size club to host Click. It is small. It gets crowded. It has cheap drinks. When the bar becomes overcrowded, it forces people to the dance floor. It forces one person on the dance floor to knock another person on the dance floor's drink out of his hand. (It's alright baby, I didn't mind.) It forces people to interact. It forces people to have fun. And Click always delivers some pretty great music, e.g. guest DJ Jacques played Vitalic's "You Prefer Cocaine."

The Philebrity Weekender party @ Transit was awesome for me, shitty for you, because you probably weren't there. The night included three pretty OK hip-hop acts, all of which kept their sets to half an hour, and an hour and a half of Dave and Adam on the tables. There I was along with thirty others on the main floor of Transit with plenty of dancing room, and no one spilling my drink. (Come to think, I really did mind.) The dearth of crowd kept the room pretty cold, allowing me to be comfortable in a hoody, which we all know is the tits. Though lack of attendance was great at the time, it has now left a sour taste in my mouth. Good people, who do a good thing (foster the arts in city that desperately needs it), threw a good party, and should have had a good turnout.

Rihanna's SOS @ Repeat On My Ipod on Saturday afternoon was pretty awesome too. Give up the ghost asshole, this song's much better than "Tainted Love."

Rock Aesthetics 101

People playing music?

Serena-Maneesh
First Unitarian Church
10/5/06

Heard from a reliable source that S-M lead singer Emil Nikolaisen once said on the record that "S-M has come to save Rock & Roll." And they really are trying. Shit four of these guys must take an hour to get their jeans on. I think you can tell which four.

Obviously:

1. Serena-Maneesh has undergone some lineup changes since the last time I saw them. New drummer, new bassist, additional keyboardist / female vox (Asian) that I couldn't get in any pics because of the asshole kid standing in front of me.

2. Serena-Maneesh had no new material to play.

After closer Inspection:

1. Emil's second guitar, and clearly no.1 / right hand man, Sondre Midttun, who I guess is constantly changing his look, maybe to give the illusion that Emil got a new guitar player too, but was using the same guitar as he used the last time I saw SM live, was still touring with the band.

2. The new bass player was far tighter than Emil's half sister.

3. Maneesh's musicianship was waxing. This show they distanced themselves miles from the recorded material. I went to this show hoping to hear just one new S-M song. I heard not one, but eight. There was a good two minute motorik buildup before they launched into "Selina's Melodie Fountain." And throughout the set, the two guitarists simply went off, soloing then coming back to the main riffs for just instances before venturing off again, always in different directions, yet totally on the same page.

The best thing about the Serena-Maneesh show was visual. These guys and girl fucking played. You saw how hard it is to produce sounds this good. You appreciated effort and you felt like you were getting your money's worth.


***** Click 2nite @ Fluid, Julian's birthday bash *****

*****Philebrity tomorrow @ Transit *****

T.P.O. - The DFA (Jake the Snake Remix)

"Ha, Owww, Owww, Owww!"
Photo by cherwell.org

The DFA anthology is now complete, Chapter 2 having been released yesterday. (Btw what about the Stylus review kicking the Pitchfork review's ass?) But what's next for the DFA? T.P.O. has the following hunches as to the next 10 DFA remix projects.

10. Deerhoof
Riffs once said "Whatever your favorite band is right now, Deerhoof's better. If Deerhoof is your favorite band, they're still better than you think." Deerhoof's a great band, with enormous hipster cred. No brainer.

9. Serena Maneesh
Now hipper than Deerhoof? Close call.

8. Hot Chip
More Hot Chip will definitely be in the DFA's future. On their own Hot Chip blow.

7. The Rapture
Luke Jenner, whose guitar work and voice triumphed on Echoes and were completely back-burnered on Pieces of the People We Love by some A1 ass holes, will ask the DFA to ReFIX the entirety of Pieces.

6. Escort
That hip thing again.

5. Madonna
Madonna will decide to get back at Britney Spears for "Me Against the Music" and hire the DFA, who turned Spears down, to do an "end all" remix for her next single. DFA'll charge Madonna ten million bucks for the remix. She'll pay them in cash on a NYC rooftop, then leave in her black helicopter. Jim and Tim will use the 10 mil to purchase the entire Philly International catalogue.

4. Fulton Pyser
One of T.P.O.'s favorite bands of all time.

3. James Brown
JB is still the man. The DFA will ghostwrite a new JB song, much in the vein of In the Jungle Groove, and then remix it.

2. Kylie Minogue
Cause the world has to end sometime.

1. The Entire Philly International Catalogue

The Video Game Name Generator and its Sarcastic Pessimism

"Fabulous Disco City... Thought I'd never find you, huh, you terrorist motherfucker..." --JS

I got this in my e-mail today. I was shocked at its poisonous personality. It didn't spare anyone in its rapid-fire indictments of human society.



It started out by taking pithy parodic jabs at the conservative Right:
Dangerous NASCAR Rave
Third-World Bow Hunter Spectacular

And cracked cheap jokes about our penal system:
Fatal Manlove 2000

I told it that we weren't that kind of blog, though, and told it the type of thing we were trying to do. It didn't hold back.

The generator ridiculed Jake for his daydreams while toting golf bags:
Fantasy Techno Mansion
Fabulous Disco City

It used apt, if unsettling, neo-Vergilian epic metaphorical imagery to describe the tension of the Phillies' stretch run:
Hitler's Dental Arena

Called Mark E. Smith names:
European Hobo Crusader

But then proceeded to dismiss Pavement as mere imitators:
Spectacular Karaoke Operation

The motherfucker even started satirizing Mahavishnu Orchestra song titles, and could tell it was getting to me:
Hindu Underwater in the Sky
Spirit of the Crystal World

So then it parodied my affection toward Bonnaroo:
Pagan Bongo Spectacular
Incomprehensible Vegetarian Thieves

And was deeply critical of the 700 Club:
Inept Music Armageddon
Creepy Breakdancing Maxx.

However, eventually it placated me by saying nice things about Wolf Parade, the Canadian Electric Daredevils. All in all, I find its criticisms to be thought-provoking yet excessive.

6 Other Things Jake Shears Said to Piss Off FYE

Best purple sequined stage-shirt blouse-thing ever?

Jake Shears of Scissor Sisters was at a music conference recently and he rightfully spoke some trash about the unreasonably high prices of CDs at FYE. Now Trans World, which owns A LOT of music retail shops (including FYE), won't carry the new Scissor Sisters album (which is a pretty good album, by the way). But the joke's on Trans World though, because Scissor Sisters seem to be doing quite fine without them. As a result, the company is really just pissing off consumers and making themselves look like jerks. You should read all about it HERE.

In the meantime, T.P.O.'s got the exclusive on the 6 other things that Jake Shears, tell-it-like-it-is frontman extraordinaire, ruffled some feather boas by saying to the Trans World suits:

NUMBER 6
"I don't really buy CDs anymore, but I've heard from our fans that it's frustrating and unnecessarily difficult to open the cellophane wrapper of a CD and then take off the spine label/sticker without ripping it or getting sticky fingers. What can be done to reduce this level of frustration?"

NUMBER 5
"Oh yeah, Tiga is totally gay. How did you not know that?"

NUMBER 4
"Remember Wall to Wall Sound & Video? OK, well remember how they'd give you those stickers you could put on a jewel case that would allow you to exchange a CD for a new one if you scratched yours up beyond playability? Now that was customer service! You should really consider using Wall to Wall Sound & Video as a business model."

NUMBER 3
"When I used to actually buy CDs, the security alarm buzzer would always go off every time I'd leave the store, even though I wasn't stealing anything. But the nearest employee would always say that I could go ahead, it wasn't a big deal, and they never checked my bag or anything. This seems like a flawed system to me. How do you plan to remedy this?"

NUMBER 2
"I actually know a guy named Sam Goody who's like this really hot porn actor. Guys, you're gonna laugh so hard when you hear this. Guess how he came up with his name..."

NUMBER 1
"You know what was a gigantic mistake? Getting rid of those long, vertical cardboard boxes that CDs used to come in. Let's do it. Let's bring them back."

Luomo qua Luomo... qua Luomo

How many Vladislav Delays does it take to plug in a laptop?
Photo by koti.kontu.la

Luomo releases a new album, Paper Tigers, in less than a month, which an authorized outlet gave us a preview of last week. Relax, it's great. However, as we here at T.P.O. like to ask the important questions and as we are all Philadelphians, we wondered which of the three Luomo records (Vocalcity, The Present Lover, Paper Tigers) would win in a fight. Here's how we see it.

VC = Vocalcity
PL = The Present Lover
PT = Paper Tigers

Round 1

The bout's slow in the early going, the opponents sizing each other up. Finally, VC's "Market" connects as a right cross against PT's title track opener, pushing it back to the ropes. "Market" then proceeds to knee PL's "Visitor" in its vagina, rather negligible.

Round 2

PT collects its shit and teams it's "Really Don't Mind" with VC's "Class" to low bridge PL's "Talk In Danger."

Round 3

PL's slick as fuck "What Good" spits in the face of PT's "Cowgirls" before drop kicking it out the ring. It then attempts to fart on VC's "Synkro", but has to settle for a spinning back foot sweep.

Round 4

PL is completely gased after the failed fart attempt. PT and VC again see an opportunity to team up and this time be rid of PL. PT's "Wanna Tell" goes to work on the body, and VC's "The Right Wing" puts PL in "The Million Dollar Dream."

Round 5

The juggernaut that is VC's version of "Tessio" actually eats what's left of PT. PT, however, rather enjoys being eaten by "Tessio", so I guess everything works out in the end.

Outcome

VC by means of a "Tessio" wins by T.K.O. in the fifth round.

***** Tomorrow's a big night in town. Ratatat @ The Khyber. Serena Maneesh @ The First Unitarian Church. (scroll down)

There's also a Making Time on Friday. *****

9/20/06 Part 2: Not Enough DJs

Shining Disco Ball

2 Many DJs
Pure
9/20/06, 1:00 A.M.- 2:45 A.M.

So clearly the night was off to a great start. Making Time residents Dave P and JDH did a nice job of holding things down while 2 Many got ready. Dave & Josh didn't let things get too out of hand, but were able to keep everybody dancing, playing awesome grinders like "Poney Part 1" and Fedde Le Grande's "Put Your Hands Up For Detroit." They took great care of their guests. They gave the Belgians a crowd of Philly heads on a silver platter. For me though, this best laid of plans backfired. The easy setup led to an entirely, in my opinion, half-assed set from an act half of which could have "change my life." (RVNG)

What I expected out of 2 Many was a set in the same vein as their ground breaking mixes, the As Heard On Radio Soulwax series. I was hoping to hear some Rolling Stones, some Beatles, some Beck, some Garbage, some Rap. (There's alot of really good '90s Rap and Soul in the Radio mixes, especially 5-7.) I was hoping to hear an on the fly mash-up of Daft Punk and Lil' Wayne. I was hoping for humor, the facetious kind. I was hoping for eclecticism. I guess that 2MDJs saw a crowd that was ready to explode and figured they should push that button. So instead of a trumpet-funk-march track called "Refried Salsa", I got electro bangers. I don't really fault 2MDJs, as I am 100% sure that I am the only person @ Pure who was disappointed.


See


Even chicks love 2MDJs (btw, Randall Cunningham, great Eagles QB, or best Eagles QB ever?)


Everybody loves it

But I love the Radio mixes. Usually, I like what 2 Many spun-- Tiga, Oizo, Bloc Party Rmxs and "Juppiter Room"-- alot. Here in Philly, though, we already have DJs that expertly spin this stuff. We have guys (Dave, Adam, Julian) that play the jawns to get us off, so in no way was 2MDJs changing my life. I know. I wanted 2 much. I wanted 2MDJs to wine and dine me. I wanted them to riff with me before on me.

I love Philly nights. I love the crowd that comes together and loses their collective mind. I love Dave P djing these nights, a guy who by now has basically become the friend of every indie-minded person in the city, whether they know it or not. Prejudiced against Belgium? Probably. Or maybe I just wanted a stranger to give me something different, something to broaden my horizons. Is that 2 much 2 ask from 2 Many? After all, Optimo did it.

*****T.P.O. Officially Endorses Optimo @ Fluid on Thurs. Oct. 19*****

9/20/06 Part 1: House Of Wax

Everybody, Everybody Get Yr Roll On

Soulwax Nite Versions Live
Pure
9/20/06, 11:00 - 12:15

Straight up, Soulwax completely devastated from the moment they went on until their continuous-beat set of Nite Versions tracks ended more than thirty minutes later. Thank you, Dave P, for bringing Soulwax to Philly. And thank you, Philadelphia, for not blowing this one like you did Boys Noize @ Fluid. As I was reminded that night, the success of a dance act's live performance depends largely, if not entirely, on the fervor of the (ahum, ahum attendant) crowd.

Stephen Dewaele, David Dewaele, Stefaan Van Leuven, and Steve Slingeneyer warped favorites like "Miserable Girl" and "KracK" and fused others, e.g. the well executed transition from "Another Excuse" into "I Love Techno." The openings of "Miserable Girl" and "E Talking" were the highlights of the show, being the only instances that the band went beyond what was on the record, holding the releases just that crucial little bit longer, tweaking the pitch just that little bit higher, inciting the crowd into utter revelry. Also, their stage gear utilized a bed of pre-programmed sequences and samples, allowing them to throw together an interesting medley of would-be-covers of house classics, including "Geht's Noch" and "Washing Up" (Tiga Rmx, of course) as the segue to closer "NY Lipps." Thankfully, these moments were tastefully complemented by live vocals, keyboards, and drums, bringing their sound to life, just enough that it felt like you were observing some robot with a number of human features to which you can relate so that you're not distracted by the facade. But this was more like an awesome robot that also has crazy dance moves, a great sense of humor, a wealth of 80s music trivia, and sort of looks like your dream girl-- all attributes that a great live electronic show should possess.


*****Swax NV Live, an official T.P.O. candidate for Best Show of the Year*****