JS' Top Five Dances '06

Best dancing ever?

5. Lean Wit It, Rock Wit It (Assman Re-Edit)
Song: The Temptations - Papa Was A Rolling Stone

I go to a college friend's house for a "Motown Party." Rules were strict: dress motown, act motown. A whole bunch of lame chatter later, then some divine Intervention shit: the Ipod supplying the music shuffles to above song and the Assman bursts into the cut. No shit dude is wearing a skull-and-crossbones bandana and a t-shirt that reads "Tell the Truth", and he's rocking a sixer of Sparks Xtra. Lickety-split, he chugged a can then caught the beat. He broke into the Lean / Rock at 2x time. Then he raised the dude who does the "make-believe coin flip but the coin just keeps going up thing" at the end of the "Lean Wit" video with a twisting ass shake. Simple, butt effective.

4. The Matrix (Riff Market Rmx)
Song: Sharon Phillips - Want 2 Need 2 (Switch Dub)

Ask most of us to "Do the Matrix" and arms flailing, we'd all fall on asses attempting to dodge bullets, probably only to the 2s and 4s. Ask our boy Riff to do it, and he'll build up a head of steam and then jam his hands right into your sternum. Then he'll duck under one of your upraised arms (your arms are now upraised in a WTF is happening to me position) and make like he's imploded you. All done while Phillips is singing, "Let me just blow your mind up."

3. The Good Knee
Song: Vitalic - Poney Part 1 (Live)

You can't just break into this one. Very complicated, but totally worth it. First you have to take the GRE. After taking the test, you can proceed to the next step: getting into the "Holy Fucking Shit, I just finished the GRE, I am soooo relieved, and Vitalic's (any dancy techno act will work, or The Rapture, or Lenny Kravitz, Vitalic just happened to be in town the night I witnessed this move. Don't ask how I got the back story.) playing tonight. There's going to be a 2 for 1 drink special, and I am totally going into "lose my shit" mode." Then you have to get to the club as soon as it opens, and start hammering the 2fers. Next, you have to start dancing two hours before Vitalic cause the brand new Shit Robot is playing. (No substitutes here, whatever the new Shit Robot is.) When Vitalic finally comes on, you're ready to "Get on the Good Knee." You're stomping along as hard as you can to "Poney", but you realize you need a break, so you go for a few dips and a traditional The Matrix. What you don't realize is that you've been dancing so hard for so long that your body cannot possibly support a The Matrix. You dislocate your right knee, and you're on "The Good Knee."


2. The Normal
Song: Tiga - Good As Gold

This one clearly took months of planning. A bunch of us are in the cut getting our "get there before midnight free sparks" on (don't hate!), when in walks this couple. The dude is wearing a trucker hat, a pink Polo golf shirt, collar popped and khakis and sandals, btw, it's fucking January. The chick is wearing a white tank top and a pink mini skirt, no accessories. Fast forward, we get so sparxxxd! that we hit the floor for Tiga. It's only about 11, very early, so we're obviously the first ones dancing. But, we are totally freaking out, and in a manner of minutes our frenzy hits the couple. Really, they were just looking for an excuse to bust out The Normal. They get ON STAGE, and start grinding, hard. Within thirty seconds they are making out, grabbing each other's ass, then their own ass, then jumping off stage (somehow still making out) and grabbing your ass. When they tire of making out they start yelling "Whoa!", totally in sync with the grinds. Instant trump at any hipster dance party: The Normal.

1. The Butt Slap Dance
Song: ZZ Top - Legs (Butt also would appear to work with LCD SS "Yeah"(Crass))

Pay close attention to the jumping butt slap.



(The Chicken Noodle Soup Dance: #6)

Originally this post was supposed to receive 74/100 riffs.

Book VI of the Philliead ll. 104-136

Warning: This post is so good it could cause you to faint, just like Octavia. T.P.O. advises you not to read it alone. You have been warned. T.P.O. is not responsible for any losses of breath, fainting, irregular heartbeats, or exploding heads acquired during the reading of this post.

"Look not upon base works without dismay,"
Did Victorino whisper to himself,
Abreu, making chase, again was fey
With overmuch regard for his own health
Allowed the ball to pass beyond his mitt
His next at-bat, Abreu took a pitch
Then grounding meekly, weakly back to Schmidt
Retreats to the bench, doesn't give a shit
So he proceeds to reach beneath his seat
Produce a spray of Avon Skin So Soft
To treat mosquito bites upon his wrist
While Wheeler shrieks and Harry grimly coughs

And Shane gets preternaturally pissed
And vows that if he's e'er freed from the pine
He'll lay out for each slicing doubtful foul
He'd pride himself on fighting spirit, spine,
Not just content to milk bountiful cows
Lieberthudlian tonguing of the nip
Abreu made his name taking the pitch
He'd never take a curveball in the back
Or a big hack: afraid his bat will crack
Brave Shane would rather slap it in the gap
And give the center fielders heart attacks
By making turns of menace around third
While conversely asserting the absurd
Impossibility of second base
Being taken on balls in Shane's range or space.

From that point the Phillies played with gloss
Picking up fans that previous teams had tossed
From rickety bandwagons axled on
The backs of players who saw nothing wrong
With striking out with men on first and third
And crying when the fans would use cursewords...

"Rough and tumble blue-collar Philadelphia"

Adam Moerder's ostensible interview notes on location at the North Star Bar in Philadelphia:

"So, what do you think of the Junior Boys, had you heard much of them before tonight?"

"My son, yeah he was in that 21st Ward league bout tree four years ago and I heard about that from my daughter's husband who worked with a couple guys had their sons dere, what you got a son's lookin for a lig to play in or something or..."

"Sir, excuse me, I meant the band the Junior Boys, at the North Star Bar later this evening. Do you not know of their music? It's very accessible, I can't imagine anyone having trouble getting into it."

"Oh you muss mean, nah, nah that's my brother, Jack Jr. he's at Roman there and I think Jack's got him playin that trombone, see him from a mile away with that thing on the bus, people are going to wonder what's in there and think it's worth some money or some, you know what I mean? I don't know about..."

"Dear Lord, how gauche. Sorry, sir, I must ask this woman a few questions now. Ma'am, excuse me, Adam Moerder, yes yes, please may I have a moment of your time, so is everyone in your city really so far behind on their appreciation of electro-pop?"

"What, you mean my father, you mean, he was trying to wire up one them sallites on his roof and he stuck his finger right up in that wire and got blown clear off into the backyard, there? What you gonna bring that up for, that was fifteen years ago, for Christ's sakes."

"This is outrageous. Excuse me, ma'am. Excuse me, young lady, are you familiar with So This is Goodbye, the newest Junior Boys record?"

"HAAAAAANH?"

Oh, sweet heavens! Who... oh look, yes you sir sir in the tight jeans. Sir, do you think that the Junior Boys have evolved since Last Exit in terms of their sound, or is this more of an isolated statement on their part?"

"Who you mean the Frazitti boys, both the brother's young sons they did the tile for me over on that duplex we did out near Cottman, yeah that was tree four months ago, what you wanna know was they on time, eh, lots of times they had those Portarickan kids there early in the mornin and they came in all hung over themselves at like 10 AM but they, you know they work pretty quick and they sweep up all their shit so it don't get all over the place, so..."

"This town is the very picture of sweating ignorance. Let me try someone a bit younger. Excuse me, are you in high school? What do you think about pop music? Is it moving toward electronic instrumentation as people show increasing willingness to suspend disbelief?"

"Yeah bro, I can't believe it eitha, I just got suspended the fifth time this year plus they searched my locker and found four Oxys, so I get automatic jail, but I think my Ma is gonna say they was her prescription and that'll get me less than a week in the can, so I can probably get back to work and if I can sell a lot of these new high-end Motorolas this month I can get enough for that booze cruise with Mikey and them. How'd you know?"

"Taxi! Oh, for crying out loud, pal, put out your cigarette!"

Should Uffie Eat Spinach and Die?

(Photo by Felix Larher)

Some people get very excited at the sight and sounds of Paris-by-way-of-Miami electro-nomad Uffie, who is just 18 years of age and already getting loads of hype. Exhibit A: The entire (and almost-consistently awesome) Ed Banger crew digs her. Exhibit B: Others aren't so impressed. For those who haven't decided yet... T.P.O. gives you exhibit C, Uffie live:



Some may accuse me of being jealous because I wanted the URL myspace.com/uffie to use for my planned crunk-snap side-project, "Under Fire From Internal Entities," and because everyone knows I secretly wish my girlfriend was a French house DJ/MC. However, that's just not the case.

Bonus round: Now that you've watched the video, use THESE thought-provoking photographs of Little Ms. Uffie to initiate a dialogue with a friend.

Push Pusha

T.P.O.: We Got Your Polka Dot Hoody 4 Cheap

Everybody knows about this by now I'm sure, but if not you can find out here. The Clipse are so good. I heard "Ain't Cha" the other day-- the record needs to come out. The world needs a great rap record. Everybody should sign this.

Frontin'

How You Doin?

Junior Boys
North Star Bar
9/8

Went with A.Man to see the JBs play the Troc balcony with Caribou last August. There were two dudes standing behind some keyboards and equipment, one of them was singing. They were 100% efficient at reproducing the lush, minimal textures that constituted Last Exit. They sounded great, but there was no good reason to watch their performance. Simply put last year's "show" was dilettantish and tedious.

That in mind, I wasn't in a rush to hear So This Is Goodbye, even after single "In the Morning" garnered high praise. But one night, while reading a D.F. Wallace short story, I decided to put Junior Boys on as background music. As soon as that bass thwacked on opener "Double Shadow" I knew I fucked up. Now, I think I have listened to Goodbye front to back more than any record this year, even Booka Shade's Movements. In comparison to Exit, Goodbye pops more, funks more. Its songs are just a little more, well, songy (they have melodies), and though they stand well on their own, they also form a perfect whole. I was hopeful that Goodbye's more engaging nature would translate into the live show. It did.

First thing, the JBs are now three, having added a live drummer. This is generally a good move. But when you find a guy who looks straight out of Snatch, who also just happens to look like he is performing cunnilingus while playing the drums, it's not just a good move. Anyway, the big difference here is the performance of vocalist Jeremy Greenspan. Jeremy has become a great front man. He moved from behind the security of the keys, front and center on the most bad ass instrument of them all, the bass, and he was killing it all night. Also, you could tell dude was doing more than just perfunctory singing, he was in the lyrics. And between EVERY song they played, Greenspan interacted well with the audience, revealing wit, charm, warmth, graciousness and friendliness. Made me take my hoodie off.

Rumor has it that Greenspan recorded Goodbye without band co-founder Johnny Dark. However, I guess the two reunited for the tour (I honestly have no idea what Dark looks like), and seemed to me to be getting along OK. More apparent though was a disconnect between Dark and the material, made all the greater by Greenspan's intimacy with it. An entertaining subplot, but kept just a subplot, as Greenspan was that much above it.

This was exactly the kind of show that Philly needs more of. City, we don't need to go nuts to have a good time. (Even though some assholes tried to ruin it at the end of the show. Overall, most improved front man of the year. Best show I've been to this year?

A The Publications Office PSA: DJs, Spin This Song

Best Artwork of the year?

Delia & Gavin - Relevee (DFA Remix)

Disco, good disco, referencing the likes of Dinosaur, Loose Joints, Moroder, is the dance punk of 06 and beyond, when we finally admit it remains to be seen, unfortunately. The year has been littered with excellent releases in this vein by artists such as Lindstrøm, Brennan Green, and especially Escort. But the best offering has to go to the DFA for their spin on "Relevee."

It's a classic. Like all the greats, it manages to lose your sense of time, sense of self from the get go. Really, the way that Jim & Tim break the original's arpeggio may be the best moment of the whole year. As this kinda shit is sometimes called space disco, uh motherfucking lift off? But it's a controlled lift off as the inclusion of vocals perfectly check the arp. The song's best feature? Not the piano solo, not the bass bounce. The hi-hat, especially at the beginning, the choice to leave it naked at the end of three bars, the pause, before it fires up again... so badass. By end, the song's like the perfect orgasm: it takes a lot of work to reach, it's big, not too big, and all parties involved enjoy it.

*****DJs spin this song, spin it in toto. Yeah, it's not a quickie, a hard, fast banger, but in the end your audience will be very grateful for the counter-clockwise swirl.*****

Thank You,
JS
T.P.O. Staff

Man Man, Man

White
(Photo by Jen Reel)

Man Man
Vox Populi
9/2/06

Man Man is blowing up as we speak. The critics loved Six Demon Bag, they loved Man²'s live act. But only last year, Man Man were just some Philly dudes, that played some crazy shit the local kids could do the "Philly Phreak" to. So when Man Man played The Voice of the People before embarking on a national headlining tour, it was less of a show, more of a Triumph for the city's best band.

The set opened hot, with a bunch of Six Demon's upbeat numbers. All the rock kids starting flipping out, mashing, crowd surfing, taking their shirts off, sweating. Without a doubt the "Best Character of the Night Award" went to a 7'3 dude, bearded, who clearly came to the show right from the office (fuckssake, he was wearing a suit.) When Man Man really got going, ripping into "Tunneling", this guy lost it. His tie became a headband. He took his suit jacket off, then his shirt, but thank god he kept the wife beater on. He even took his pants off at one point, I think. Then he joined two forty year old art teacher-type chicks in a rain dance. Great Man Man show, or best Man Man show ever?

Anyways, the set closed just as strong as it opened. On "Ice Dogs" lead singer Honus Honus and the crowd went a cappella with the hook for about 3 minutes. And there was of course a victory lap, ahhum encore, and it was only fitting that they played "Black Mission Goggles." As a Philadelphian though I could not help leaving the show with a sense of remorse, wishing that we didn't have to share this band.

A The Publications Office PSA: Slow The Fuck Down, Asshole

Or Else

What has happened to the "complete stop", Philly? Having gone to college in Massachusetts, I became accustomed to drivers STOPPING at stop signs and waving pedestrians on. But Philly isn't down with that gay New England shit. Now I try to cross the street, invariably, I get a third of the way through the crosswalk and the bullshit begins to rain. Some J.O. will slow up to about 10 mph, from afar he gets the measure of me, sees that he can make it through the intersection before I would reach him. OK fine, you win, bro. But then, and this is what really gets me, is the look you get from the asshole, something like, "Walking, are you fo real?"

Yeah I fucking am, and here's why. What if I was on my way to work? What if I was close to being late for work? What if I worked for a complete dick who told me if I was late for work, even one time, I would be fired? What if it was the morning rush? What if I had to cross a busy intersection that had 4 way stop signs? What if every motorist did the rolling stop described above? What if I lost my job because of it? What if I couldn't afford to take the really hot asian girl who lived upstairs, who I tentatively called my girlfriend, out on dates because I had no job, no money? What if these losses made me depressed, then angry, then dangerous because no one possessed the common courtesy to allow me to cross the street?

***** If you drive a car in Philly and you come to a stop sign and you see someone waiting to cross the street, please wave them on. *****

Thank You,
JS
T.P.O Staff