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This week T.P.O. will run some interviews that we were able to get with some of our favorite people. Today, it's Eagles QB Donovan McNabb. Stay tuned later in the week for interviews with DJ Khaled, Diplo, and maybe even a few others.
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Following the Eagles stunning upset of the point spread last night, T.P.O. caught up with Donovan McNabb for his thoughts.
T.P.O.: Donovan, thanks for taking the time for the interview.
McNabb: Call me 5, man.
T.P.O.: 5?
5: 5, because I'm a quintuple threat. I pass. I run. I make plays. I design clothes (Super 5). I speak for corporations (Campbell's Chunky Soups, AirTran).
T.P.O.: I see. You don't rap?
5: Funny you should ask. Me and my boys Kanye, Chi town connect, you know, and ?uestlove have got something planned for next year.
T.P.O.: That'd make you a sextuple threat. You'd have to change your number and your clothing line. Should I start calling you 6?
5: Nah man. For now, I'm still 5. But when the right time comes, I'm willing to make the change. I also hope to get into movies.
T.P.O.: Horror?
5: Exactly.
T.P.O.: That'd be a good look for you, I think. Plus that'd make you a septuple threat and I could call you "7, that lucky number."
5: I like the way you think around here.
T.P.O.: Well, I like your style too, 5. "We the best!"
5: Man, I feel you!
T.P.O.: What would you rap about?
5: Well, actually some heavy stuff, like haters. Everybody's always hatin' on 5. White people and black people. Everything I do, it's hate. And yet I've had nothing but love for everyone. That's why Kanye's producing it, man. The beats have got to be strong, like me.
T.P.O.: Well, I like Kanye beats, but it sounds like you'd be hatin' on the haters and I think that, according to guys like Lil' Wayne and even Kanye West, you're just supposed to let your money pile up, let the haters hate.
5: But if we let the haters hate then how are we ever going to make a positive difference? That's where I think I have a unique perspective. After all the hate I've endured, my faith has kept me strong. That's the message the record's going to send.
T.P.O: We understand that you sat out tonight's game with thumb and ankle injuries. How are you feeling?
5: Better. There's still some swelling in both areas. But I think I'll be ready for next week's game.
T.P.O.: Hmmm. Your thumb doesn't look swollen to me, but I'm not a doctor. What do you think of AJ's performance tonight?
5: Well, AJ threw three interceptions. They really brought his rating down. I mean 83.9 and what am I at 84.7? That pretty much sums things up. Now maybe all the Philly fans will understand why I fumble so much.
T.P.O.: But what about the 350 passing yards? What about coming back from an early interception? What about 3 touchdown passes?
5: What about AJ not being the play maker that I am, especially at the end of the game, when things matter most? What about the two interceptions he threw at the end?
T.P.O.: Whoa, big guy, relax. You're right. Feeley admits the interceptions were all clearly his fault, whereas, in your case, the guys around you just haven't been making plays. And we all know how clutch 5 is.
5: That's what I've been trying to say all year, man.
T.P.O.: Well, we've been listening. 5, sometimes we get some secret info here at T.P.O., and we heard that the writers for the hit HBO series The Wire have been kicking around an idea for extending the show into a sixth season, an idea that actually centers on you.
5: I love that show, man! I'm boys with Idrus Elba, the actor who played Stringer. He hasn't mentioned anything yet, though. You sure? TV... that'd make me an octuple threat. 8, how does that grab you? It's not as good as "7, that lucky number." I could flash my big smile after saying that. I guess I could do without the horror movies. They'd only just kill me anyway.
T.P.O.: Or you could shut down Super 5.
5: ...
T.P.O.: So, the idea goes like this: Det. Jimmy McNulty (for some unfathomable reason) thinks that you obviously suck, that you obviously are the most inaccurate passer in the history of pro football, that you make horrible decisions, and that you lack the competitive fire to lead anything. It is utterly irrational to McNulty that Eagles' coach Andy Reid continues to start you at quarterback. McNulty feels there's something else going on, so he starts digging up some dirt. He finds out that a judge has called Andy Reid's house a "drug emporium" and maneuvers to get a wire tap up on Reid's home phone. Reid, in a moment of pure hubris, too rapt in celebration of your seventh straight season with an "injury", gives up over the wire that he has to keep playing you, keep you in Philly, because he and you are actually involved in drug trafficking. During that call Reid informs The Head of the Organization (Jeff Lurie) that your (5's) plan to elude police by reupping the stash by means of Andy's son's, Garret Reid's, asshole has been a success. That's all they have so far.
5: This interview is over, motherfucker! (Turns and walks briskly away. No indication of ankle discomfort.)
T.P.O. (chasing after): What did I say? Hey, 5, one last question. We hear that you've been doing some work with the American Diabetes Association. Do you have Diabetes?
(no response)
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