Today, I read another really infuriating T.I. review. I think this might be the new worst T.I. blowjob ever, although there have been plenty of others. It got me thinking: what can be done to combat the plague of bad rap love in the independent press?
In case you don't feel like reading it, here's what happened in the article. In the course of reviewing a generic new rap single, a minor rap dork casually proclaimed that T.I. was definitively not a case of style over substance. In this case, the proof lies in "inscrutable" substance that the rap dork is willing to take on faith.
After all, T.I. could never be making generic, forgettable hip-hop. There are, of course an infinite number of reasons. First, he battles the thug inside himself in a pushup war (which the author cites as a potent artistic expression of inner turmoil). In addition, T.I. has a great wardrobe, definitely makes the best Southern rap faces, and shows conviction in his swagger (grabs his di' really hard, perhaps).
Pitchfork published an article that calls that video an inscrutable expression of inner turmoil that is convoluted but extremely exciting. It's a generic commercial hip-hop video. What's it got to do with Pitchfork?
"Okay, we have to really to be on point for this new T.I. Breihan will knock our teeth out if I don't give dap to the King. ha-HAA! No haters in this place! Okay, I need an article that says that T.I. is a totally complex guy. Here's a video of him in a dualistic struggle. Make it work, okay?"
All jokes aside, I'm sure this was written of the author's own free will. No matter what, though someone has to read an article like this one and say "wait, this doesn't even makes sense." It's state school campus paper sports section. It's Long Island prep valedictorian personal diary. Its only clear thesis is "the editor of this section is in way over his or her head."
No one is charmed or convinced by Pitchfork's primarily vapid obsession with mainstream hip-hop. It's obviously forced, and increasingly absurd. This is the most inexplicable review yet.
T.I. is like "Keep my big shit poppin, D, in and out ya mouth."
~~~~~
Here is a playlist of 10 psychedelic songs that are guaranteed to blast all thoughts of shitty hip-hop entirely out of one's mind:
Caetano Veloso - Irene
The Bees - The Ocularist
Panda Bear - Bros
Black Moth Super Rainbow - Melt Me
Os Mutantes - Baby
Deerhunter - Wash Off
Caribou - Bijoux
Pink Floyd - Remember A Day
The Besnard Lakes - And You Lied to Me
Blood, Sweat and Tears - I Love You More Than You'll Ever Know
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