Nowadays, it's hard for me to be surprised by our sometimes fair city, but it still happens occasionally. Take Monday for instance. The Phillie Phanatic and I were working the same charity function. At first sight I was taken aback by its enormity. My only Phillies perspectives had been wide-angle TV shots and 200+ level seats at the Vet. So that you're not as stunned as I was, here's a full comparative description.
The PPh is bigger than Giant Gonzalez.
Its shoe size (34P) dwarfs Shaq's. It's green is brighter than TMNT mutagen. The tongue is not quite as long as Gene Simmons'. Most noticeable though, its ass' surface area is at least twenty times that of J Lo's.
There's just no way to explain the Phanatic's skinny legs.
It also particularly struck me how real the Phanatic is-- there is no vestige, physical or spiritual, of a human being under all the green. Some guy and that costume have fully melded. Finally, you realize how fitting its name is. This thing is fucking nonstop nuts. First off, it will, literally, mime your every move. Its high fives hit like wrecking balls. It hops around like a flightless bird. Using its other mode of transportation, an ATV, it does way more crazy shit than those guys from the Ruff Riders videos: backflips, frontflips, death rolls, shit just owning an ATV in Philly is straight bonkers. Also, if you're sitting down, it will plop right down on you, and it will give you the best lap dance of your life.
2 comments:
That was fantastic-
Very nice post, but, I will be honest with you, the best thing was J-Lo's picture. Hum! Makes me want to throw all my generic viagra pills to the garbage, if you know what I mean.
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