T.P.O. Proudly Premiers: Pulling A Philly: That's Gay

From the T.P.O. Lexicon (1st Edition):

Philly [fil-ee]

-adjective, li-er, li-est, noun, plural -lies

-adjective

1. characteristic of that 100% raw shit; belligerently upfront and honest
2. conveying the sense of community as a derivative of the city that is known as "the city of brotherly love."
3. overly unpretentious; lacking tact and restraint; crude, crass, plebeian

-noun

1. colloquialism for a city in the Mid-Atlantic U.S. located between Washington D.C. and New York City
2. a member of an awesome baseball team
3. a blunt
4. an act so in your face it can become stifling

also -verb

1. to freak the fuck out

From the T.P.O. Thesaurus (1st Edition)

Philly

adjective

synonyms: crass, vulgar, plebian, raw, trill, rad

antonyms: patrician, New York (esp. Brooklyn), gay


I've lived in Philly my whole life, probably will too. I love my city. I love it so much that I want to try to make it better, not different, better. I love Philly (adj.). But what first won me over with the raw beauty of its honesty has recently become nauseating. Socially speaking, I remember when hipster Philly kind of got down with indie rock and brit pop and an occasional bit of disco and house and disco-house, all genres that can more than foment an atmosphere of Philly. Now it apparently needs to be relentless blog house or fucking Snoop Dogg or Spank Rock and Diplo, in other words stupid, simple, dirty, slutty Shit. I wonder when exactly our city felt a need to do a 180 from New York. Well, FUCK BALTIMORE! And even though New York will never be as honest and communal as Philly, everybody still trying to one-up everybody, there's something to be said for actual conversation, dancing, dressing up, recreational drug use, and dance floors not covered in puddles of alcohol, sweat, puke, blood, jizz and pussy jizz. Phillying is a fine line: in fitting doses it can be transcendent, but sometimes there's only so much Philly a rational human being can handle.

"That's Gay"

"What do you want to do tonight (Tuesday), Jim?" "I don't know, Ted, I kind of want to relax and watch a movie." "Jim, you're gay. I, on the other hand, am Philly. I am going to my room, breaking out the two mini strobe lights that I got at Home Depot last week, doing a couple of eight balls, putting on some Justice and thrashing against the walls for a couple of hours. I am going to haunt the dreams of the neighbors' six year old daughter. You sure you don't want in, I mean I have four or five eight balls. I could definitely spare one, you faggot." "Fuck you, Teddy, calling me gay. Let's go."

In Philly, once someone calls you gay, you're fucked-- there's been no come back that can surmount it. It has even become emblematic, a sort of badge of honor for the city, as in, "hey, we call 'em as we see 'em, and right now you're being gay." But recently, the phrase has been so overused that any utterance of it is bored and bordering on wistful. It has lost the joie de vive that constitutes a true Philly. And so, let me trump that Philly with one of my own: calling someone/thing gay has become totally gay.

The proscription is thus issued: any use of "that's gay" from this point on will be gay. "But how am I supposed to put people down now?" We should have never been about so facile a putdown, something which in itself (the putdown) is too facile for the primary definition of philly (adj.) (characteristic of the 100% raw). Because really, if someone's throwing some serious New York in your grill, and you want to be true Philly, don't call them gay, punch them in the face.