I only wish it was this bad. Fake John Reiff?
Friday, August 24, 2007: 1:30-2:00 A.M.: Silk City
"Oh, hey, what's up, man? (packs pack of cigarettes, slides hand in back pocket, does this after every sentence) Me? Did some blow, had some PBR. Yeah bro, I love Philly, too. You know Stevie's in there killing them? Yeah, yeah, it's bad, like the tub is overflowing tonight. Good tunes. Did I mention that Wes is here. You know Wes right? Diplo? That's him obnoxiously talking on the cellie, yep. Just another guy, really down to earth. And that Spank Rock chick, Amanda, is here too. Yeah, I came like this close to f'ing her in the bathroom one night. Well, I had the drugs. But then this other chick came in, and Amanda got all uncomfortable for some reason, like I called her bluff or something. But yeah I made out with her, Amanda that is. And then I f'd the other chick. Yeah I'm that good looking. Oh shit! Can't believe he dropped this one. (The Notorious B.I.G. (Feat. Puff Daddy & Mase) - Mo Money Mo Problems, which apparently gets dropped every time as the party is called 'Mo $ No Problems' which why in the fuck is he playing this song then?) Who's hot, Who's not... Chachi... this song's so my shit. You want to go hit the floor, bro? Excellent. (New song comes on, people can't quite figure it out, then the chorus hits and everybody flips out) Ungh! What was that again? Na na na na. Sorry man this song... Ungh!... totally kicks ass... Na na na na. Yeah, Bloodbath is so next level, so unpretentious. Those fuckers that go to Kildare's shouldn't be the only ones that get to enjoy these awesome party songs from our youth... Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!... the mac dad'll make ya, the daddy mac'll make ya, kris kross'll make ya... (jumps, jumps, etc.)... Oh man I wonder what he's going to play next? (music abruptly stops, then Montel Jordan: 'This Is How We Doooooooooo It') Holy Shit, man it's like Stevie B's in my head! I am going to show this honey right here, hey honey, how I do it. Chicks love the leather pants and the $500 haircut and the $300 tattered black wife-beater and the confidence, I like to call it 'swag'. Yeah good seeing you dude, don't be such a stranger. See you here tomorrow? Good shit. Okay, hun, let's go, probably only one more song after this (by now we've got M.O.P. - Ante Up), so you better just start grinding the shit out of my cock if you want me to f you. Oooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! More Biggie. (Hypnotize) This is definitely the last song, babe, so make it count." (Girl: "All Philly hoes Ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! ...")
2 comments:
This COULD be an audition monologue.
I wonder if a virulent Philadelphia-bashing theater company would make money. Would it do better here, or in New York?
Anyway, my response to the party JS is talking about is that it brought me right back to the good old days in Avalon, NJ, the old dance floors full of boat shoe wearin' suburban business dicks. I was ready for Bust A Move mashed up with some Billy Joel to drop at any time. The crowd was ready.
In addition, I saw more flat-brimmed kenzo OxyContin heroes in one place than I'd seen in the entire past year. Somebody dropped the ball, I guess. They forgot the golden rule: switch it up from pedestrial hip-hop once in awhile, and the parochial school kids will go home and roll up a bill.
Nice place, though.
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